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Conquering the Scots
Edward Longshanks of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield, there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill: a short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.
“I be Hammer O the Scots!” yells the wee Scottish. “Come up here, ya English bastards, And I’ll give ye a hammerin’!”
Edward turns to his Commander. “Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart”, he says. The Commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman.
Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.
“Ya English ninnies!” he yells. “Come on the rest of ye!! Come on, I’ll have ye all!”
Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his Commander, “Send 100 men to kill that little guttersnipe!” The Commander sends a hundred men over the hill to do the job.
Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn. He yells: “I’m just warming up!! Come and get me, ya English wimps!!”
Edward losses patience. “Commander, take 400 men and personally WIPE HIM OFF THE EARTH!” he yells. The Commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill.
Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and Irn-Bru. “Is that the best ye can do??? You’re bloody WUMMIN!!! Come on!! Come and have a go ya bunch of English Sh*te!!!” he yells.
Edward turns to his second-in-command. “Take 1,000 men over that hill and don’t come back till you’ve killed him!” he orders. The second-in-command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate.
Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of the hill. He’s covered in blood and his clothes are all torn. “Your Majesty!” he yells. “Its a trap!! There’s two of them!!!”
The Pope and The Seven Dwarfs
The 7 Dwarfs go to the Vatican and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope. Grumpy leads the pack.
“Grumpy, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do for you?”
Grumpy asks, “Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?”
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, “Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?”
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, “No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?”
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, “I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.”
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting…..
“Grumpy fµcked a penguin! Grumpy fµcked a penguin!”
Spare a thought at Christmas…
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.
Edna
